Lonely Hearts Club

I'm on an oatmeal kick. A couple of weeks ago, I ran out the door for an appointment only to find that I was 2 hours early. I hadn't had breakfast, and saw an IHOP nearby, so I HOPped on in and ordered a bowl of oatmeal. It was INSTANT. That's false advertising.

While I was pouting, I saw a tall, handsome, elderly gentleman come in with his adult granddaughter on his arm. You could tell he was so proud of her and she was especially tender with him. It's not uncommon to see older people here, but it made me think of what my dad would be like if here were still alive, so I was pleased when the waitress sat them at the booth across from me.

I don't mind eating in restaurants by myself, because if I don't have anyone to talk to, I just listen to the nearest conversation. Well, I do! Anyway, the fact that he was hard of hearing gave their exchange extra volume. Both ways.

"I'm 96 years old, and not bad looking!" he boasted.

How cute of him, I thought.

"Did you have trouble finding my place?" he yelled.

She looked around to see if he was as loud as it seemed.
He was.
"No, I got directions off of the internet."

It must be her first time here. No wonder he is so excited to see her.

"I miss having someone to talk to...just like we are doing now. This is nice. I like to travel, but since I had my pacemaker put in, I don't go by myself."

Oh,...he's lonely. Why haven't you been to see him?

"This menu looks great", she says. "I'm hungry."

"Got any kids?" he asks.

"Two girls. Eight and Ten. They live with their dad, but I get to see them once a month."

hmmmmm...this is awkward...

"I have two daughters. They only call me when they need money. Last time one called and started making small talk. I said, 'how much do you need?', and she said, "$10,000". I sent her $13,000. I've made arrangements in my will to take care of them after I'm gone. But that could change if things go well... Are you married?"

What?

"No. I wanted to, but it just didn't work out."

"It's not about the sex for me. I just want a companion. Someone to watch TV with, and go to dinner. Do you like steak? We have a pool. I don't swim much, but you could lay out in the sun if you want to..."

OH
MY
GOSH!

This isn't his granddaughter...she's...he's...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!

I asked for a refill and got out a pen & notepad. I took eavesdropping to a new level.

"I'll pay your bills and all your expenses, but I won't give you a salary. If you're looking to make $200 a week, I'm not your guy. But you'll always have a hundred dollars in your pocketbook."

"I don't have any bills," she says.

"I'm not your average Joe," he continues. "I went to college and was going to make a doctor when I joined the Navy. I was an officer for eighteen years, so I have a good military retirement. And made some good investments, so you'll have the best of everything. Do you like filet mignon?"

Talk about a paradigm shift.

"And I'm easy to get along with. The wife and I were married 65 years..."

The waitress comes by..."Honey, the toast is cold. My butter won't even melt. Take it back to the kitchen. Didn't I order grits with this? It's too late now."

I hope she takes note of Mr. Easy-going.

"...then she died and I ran into an old girlfriend who was a widow, and we decided to move in together. But she fell and broke her hip and she's laid up in rehab, so I'm alone again. Do you like Canada?"

"I know a nice place there. Do you like to dance? I'll get you some nice clothes. Where did you see my ad?"

UNbelievable.

"I have a physical therapist and a home health care nurse. I'm not looking for someone to take care of my health, I'm just lonesome."

Six cups of coffee later, the three of us get up to leave.

I always thought of Anna Nicole as a gold digger. And maybe she was. But I looked at this young woman...with no income, no education, she's been in some kind of trouble if she doesn't have custody of her own kids...and here's this man offering to take care of her...

I thought Anna's old geezer was an old...geezer. As pathetic as it sounds, this man is really just lonesome.

But the person I want to help most, is the old girlfriend who got dumped when she broke her hip. She probably fell while they were dancing in Canada. Bless her heart.

Bless all their lonely hearts.