I Think I am an Angry Black Woman

Karen, you wanted to know why I was crying during church yesterday. John did a great job with his sermon, "God is for Girls".

I had a very unexpected reaction. I can't blame it all on hormones. I know the message wasn't about women's role in the church. But with every scripture that affirmed equality in God's eyes, my heart ached for the fact that we still don't get it. (me included) I was so thankful that you were on the praise team and got to read a scripture without singing it..., only after one man started it and another man ended it, and almost simultaneously wondered how long we would have to wait before Katie and Matalee would be able to be the ones to tell the congregation about freedom and equality in Christ. Then I felt like an angry black woman on Martin Luther King Day! (you asked...)

I know RE is more open minded than most churches of Christ. Every January I hear the interview on TV...usually a white person asking a black person if they feel like there has been progress made in the racial movement. Often the answer is, 'we haven't come far enough'...and as the reporter points out the fact that there is a black governor somewhere and Oprah's doing well...I sit there thinking to my white self, "Quit whining about how far you have to go and be thankful for how far you've come." But even as I tried to tell myself that yesterday, I thought, if someone said that to me right now I would slap 'em!

While I am mentally slapping people (!), I am thinking "Gee, maybe next week the sermon can be, "God is for Black People." And maybe we can find a couple of black people to be on the praise team and read scriptures (after a white man has started it and another white man has ended it) and we'll read that same scripture about neither Jew nor Greek, male or female, slaves or...

Then I think, "I can't believe I am so upset. I love this church. I don't walk around feeling repressed. John gets it. Houston gets it. Drew has a huge responsibility to lead this church with people on both ends and every place in between. Actually just one end. The people who feel very strongly that women don't have an opportunity to express their gifts here have gone somewhere else. The ones who are here are the ones who think women are supposed to 'stay in their place' or at best be patient for another 10 or 50 years. or more.

I thought of the women who are gone that we'll never be able to hear from...and then I had a holocaust flashback...then I wondered if Katie would notice if I used her night-night to wipe my nose...then I wished that I could say this without men immediately thinking that I wanted to preach or serve communion standing up...and then I just wanted to leave.

Last night at LIFE group we watched the Lee Stroebel DVD series about the same topic, and during our discussion, Drew asked what we thought about the service I said I thought there was something precious and pathetic about it at the same time. After the guys dropped their jaws on my new rug, I tried to explain how I felt. By the time it was over, the guys all looked like deer caught in the headlights, but the girls were smiling, so I don't think I scared them off forever.

The most touching part of the service for me was the song, "Lifter of My Head". As I was feeling so awful for feeling so awful, I had this image of Jesus, not standing way above me, but sitting next to me, leaning over and trying to look me in the eyes...putting his finger under my chin, lifting it up and smiling...almost grinning at me. As if he was saying, "It's okay to tell me how you really feel. I get it."
Thanks for asking and loving me anyway. I have an appointment with the hormone replacement therapist at 1:30 Tuesday. I love you, aunt carolyn